yuerstruly

Do you want to read about LESBIANS? is perhaps the greatest sentence to have plagued the internet. It is also the most misguiding set of words I have come across being online for so many years, but I have read them enough to prevent myself falling into a trap. Being aware about the trap, however, does not equate to me not reading those works, so here I am, with a review of Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir because it is constantly talked about like a top five SFF lesbian book.

Is it a top five SFF lesbian book? I can't answer that question because I'm not sure I've even read five in that category. I'm trying! I really am! It's just that every book is so bad I have to take a one-year break after reading it. If you let me include baihe novels, then my answer is a definitive "NO!" Is it SFF? Decently so. Is it lesbian? Hm … NO. I want to say I was lied to by the internet's hype, and all I can say is that I am that gullible purchaser who did not read the fine print warning me there would be no sort of romance in the first book (not that I would have known where to find this fine print because this book gets glazed to the ends of Earth).

The simplest way to evaluate Gideon the Ninth is admitting that, had it not been for the internet hype, I would have dropped this book 20% in. But looking back after finishing it, I didn't hate it that much, despite how much I complained on Bluesky and in friends' DMs about various aspects of this book. I am definitively not the target audience and am inclined to believe this is targeted toward young adults, but I know the suggestion would invite pitchforks and perhaps a trip to the town square guillotine, if that exists. The writing is immature, the reader is subjected to the consciousness of an 18-year-old who thinks she's hot shit and is so much more an adult than she actually is (common behavior of an 18-year-old), and the plot is unveiled through the most boring of sentences strung together while having the worldbuilding setup of a mediocre Harry Potter AU fanfiction. It was written as if I was meant to just know how the fantasy system works without so much as a proper buildup, or worse, as if I had picked up fic and knew about the worldbuilding, but only because I had read ten other fics leading up to this and picked up the gist of it as a byproduct of me simply wanting to read fic. Perhaps a mediocre Harry Potter AU would even be better because it's not trying to prove to me how cool the worldbuilding is supposed to be, whereas with Gideon the Ninth, I felt like the author was trying to bash me on the head with a pot going, "You're going to love this," as a mix of ingredients I hate spill out and get all over my clothes. Gross.

I found the first 50% a waste of paper and ink. I think it could have been shortened by half and read fine. A lot of space was wasted on describing every little thing. Wake up? Describe every item within peripheral vision in excruciating detail. Walk down the hallway? Suddenly notice every nook and cranny along the walls, pretending you are not in a rush to your next destination. Enter a new room? Do not forget to emphasize the rust and age of that doorknob! An exaggeration of sorts, but it really was so tiring reading through meaningless description, when I am someone who usually loves it. The writing somehow did so much trying to "show" instead of "tell" that it ended up showing me nothing. This book was begging me to fall asleep.

This is not to say Gideon the Ninth did not have anything likable. The concept was intriguing. The action in Acts III and IV were engaging. Everything else … was not. Neither Gideon nor Harrow are likable characters, and the cast is setup in such a way they are somehow easily forgettable despite there being strong house ties for many of them. "We do things differently than others, but we sure as hell won't tell you how so." It is no wonder ghostwriters exist. Some authors have such brilliant ideas but horrible execution, so horrible you wish they had never put pen to paper. This book may be an example of any.

For all the bitching I have done, can you believe I would be willing to give Harrow the Ninth a chance? I believe in the story's potential, though with the amount of flaws, I'm not sure what potential there is left. Below are some pulled quotes and my casual comments:

As most bitten tongues did, it hurt like an absolute bitch.

Ch. 16, pg. 179

This felt like a stupid sentence to read. Of course it hurt. How did it hurt? Tell me.

"That's what she said."

Ch. 19, pg. 203

Not necessarily wrong era, but this is coming out of the mouth of a boy aged 15-20, not an 18-year-old girl.

"Never work with children, Griddle, their prefrontal cortexes aren't developed."

Ch. 24, pg. 275

Your prefrontal cortexes aren't developed either!!

"Oh shit," she said. "You really meant it. This is it. This is go time."

Ch. 31, pg. 348

One of the lesser offensive ones but I hadn't tabbed many, and this stood out like a sore thumb. What horrid dialogue.