yuerstruly

we're into the last week of april, and i have achieved nothing, except for paying the deposit of a crazy lease since my grad school area is just rich white people. and then i accidentally applied to a FULL TIME job based in santa monica, whereas my school is in … claremont. i couldn't even balance this if i tried! job applications are going as horrid as ever, but i highly dislike the idea of being idle for another summer. my trip to chicago is also getting cancelled bc my main purpose was visiting my internship manager, but she's having a baby. i had also planned to schedule it around a possible jaemin event, but am now realizing that the date might have been too close to move-in, so maybe i lucked out of having to explain to my mom why i'm randomly slipping away to chinatown for … kpop? actually i wouldn't even mention it, but now i don't have to stress about it

health wise, i am literally dying. i'd pulled a muscle on my right leg back in fall of 2023, which never really healed until a month ago, courtesy of our neighbor in taiwan who had given me some gel that works like magic. i thought i was fine, only to be hit with random pain on my left, which has been bothering me for almost 3 weeks now. why is this happening to me??

and because of this, i'm uncomfortable no matter what position i am in. there was a day where i sat at my desk the entire day. i thought my good posture would do the trick, but no, it got worse. walking too much is not an option. bending down is ALSO not an option. i haven't worked on anything. no language learning, no reading (besides the one jaemren fic i read last week and the updates on 催命娘), no writing, no TRANSLATING. i think part of it is the state of online fandom killing me, but my injury isn't helping in the slightest.

in any case, the only thing keeping me going is my new jaemin bubble subscription, which is sparking joy in my mundane life (the only thing i do every week now is go to my mother's office and listen to presentations about annuities and life insurance). jaemin bubble keeps me motivated because his "you did well" texts come around midnight KST, which is morning for me, and it makes me go "oh shit i should be somewhat productive so i feel deserving of this message." kpop parasocialism works…

also i haven't gotten ferrari jaemin out of my head despite the fact that i don't even like ferrari (fuck ferrari fr!!). he looks like a mix of a 626 hs fob and a rich international student at usc, with some frat boy energy. which i think is a sign that i AM into fuckbois despite wanting to deny it. my princess is also a fuckboi. sure. whatever.